Ash & Evergreens

   I've been in sports my whole life. This means that I have seen lots of courts, fields, ups/downs, opponents, and emotions. I'm a fairly emotive person so when sports are thrown into the mix, I celebrate big and I stew big. I remember basketball games in high school where I would beat myself up for not playing well, punch the seat of a chair after coach pulled me out of a game, or go home and talk about all the things I could have done better, even after games where we won. In my mind, opponents were opponents, rivals were rivals, and I am going to play as hard as I can.      I got the incredible opportunity to play basketball at Moody (for most of my years there) and I had no idea what I was about to learn. The ball started rolling when I started my Sports Ministry classes. I began to learn that the person was way more important than the sport itself and that competition within itself was completely neutral; it's what you do with it that changes the view/de...

   Am I enough? Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I funny enough? Am I athletic enough? Am I pretty/handsome enough? Am. I.....enough?      These are questions (or variations of) that everyone has asked themselves at some point. Maybe it's everyday or maybe it's every once in a while but we struggle with this idea of "enough-ness".    We get passed over for a job because we aren't experienced enough. We get passed over by a guy or girl because we feel we aren't pretty/handsome enough. We get passed over by family because we feel like we aren't good enough. We get passed over by coaches or instructors because we aren't talented enough. We get passed over by friendships/relationships because there's something better and we aren't enough. This is the idea of "Enoughness". If only we were this, that, or the other THEN we would be enough for that person or for that job or that team or that role.      Throughout my life, this idea ...

     I'm doing my 2019 reflection here in November because a year ago is really when my world changed forever. Over the next few minutes, I'm going to go through a list of the top 7 things I learned/experienced in 2019 and I hope that they're an encouragement, a challenge, and a lens into my life over the past year. It's been quite the year and the Lord has faithfully challenged and grown me and though some of the circumstances haven't been great, the changes have been. So here we go. 1. Heartache. 2019 started out very sad and tumultuous. There was so much going on inside of me. There was anger and hurt and sadness and no sense of belonging. My first love and I had broken up a couple months prior to the new year and there was zero communication (obviously) and a lot of heartache/questions. Not only was my heart broken but I was trying to move back up to Chicago, because that's where I felt the Lord was still calling me to be. Nothing was working out though ...

    One of the things I've realized more and more lately is just how much my generation has an aversion to commitment. I read things all the time that shout "commitment shamitment!" Rather than talking to someone about our concerns or voicing our opinions, if something is going wrong or could be better, we walk away. That thing or that person is not giving us what we want so instead of trying to figure out a solution, we just leave. We leave and look for something or someone better.    Granted, there are plenty of situations where something or someone is not the right fit and that's totally great but I think so much heartache, loneliness, and frustration could be saved if we would just power through and communicate sometimes rather than just talk all around it yet do nothing about it or just leave.    It's also a huge reason why dating/relationships seems to be so difficult for my generation. (again, sometimes not the right fit or situation) but we have t...

"Go Forth" is what I said to a girl in my small group who was visiting for the first time, as she was leaving. This was after I had already said "good to see you again" (never had met her before) and something else in my flustered mess of words. It was in this moment that I realized the Lord was about to sit me on my butt for the upcoming season of being in leadership roles. And can I tell you? It's been 3 weeks since that evening and each week something has happened that has made me have to drop my head in disbelief (laughing) and completely humble myself.     Back in March, the Lord kind of scooted a leadership role into my life with a ministry at church called young professionals. This ministry is for those who are transitioning out of college age ministry and are moving into the post-college/adult life. We're a bunch of 20-to-35-something-year-olds who are trying to do this thing called life, but together in community. We broke for the summer and have n...

     We have all gone through traumatic experiences in our lives. I'm sure there are one to two that flitted across your mind as you finished that first sentence. Some of them we have completely healed from and are living in the freedom that comes with getting to the other side. Other situations feel like a marathon that's nearing its end. Though the finish line of freedom is in sight and we have hit our stride, there are still instances where our legs feel like giving out. These are the instances where something hits us that we haven't yet dealt with and reminds us that we haven't fully made it yet. There is frustration and hurt in these moments but there's also beauty in knowing that one more thing to heal from is one step closer to living in the fullness of wholeness.      My full healing marathon hit me the other day when I said something to a friend that was received very differently than how I intended. I always try to be careful with my thoughts and...

    For the majority of my life, I have been the friend that was always there. I've given so much of myself to other friendships, almost too much of myself sometimes. I would have a good friend (who I thought might be my best friend) for about 6 months and then the friendship would slowly burn out like the flame of a candle. I would be left hurting and broken hearted, wondering what happened or what I had done wrong for that friendship to be over or just not as strong anymore. After some time though, the Lord would heal my heart and I would get right back into the cycle. I would love as hard as I could and be there and then boom. It would happen again. I think I can count like 7 or 8 people that this cycle happened with. It hurt. I just wanted someone who understood me and was always going to be there. It didn't make sense. But it also didn't make sense as to why the Lord continued to re-strengthen my heart to do it all over again.     One day I finally snapped. I r...

     I love book ends. I love finishing what I've started and I really like to fix things that are broken, if I can. There's been a lot in my life, especially over this past year where I have seen the beauty of book ends happen but at the same time there have also been many instances where things have started that have gone unfinished and things have broken that can't be fixed.     One of the things that I started last year was working at a camp called Deer Run. I thought I was done with the camp life but I decided to work it again so that my boyfriend at the time and myself could continue to grow in our relationship by working together for the summer! It was new territory but camp is something I love and something I (think) I'm good at. We were excited and signed up to work the whole summer (at this camp you can choose to work whole or half). A few weeks in things began to shift a little and excitement faded away and we decided to step down and finish out the ...

    So, recently I took a hiatus from social media. A week ago, some friends challenged me to take a break and do other constructive things to fill that time. Because honestly, I was not in a healthy place overall and the healing of my heart seemed to be taking lightyears longer than "it should" have (in my mind). I got off of facebook and I got off of instagram; two things that were poison to my soul at the time. I was trying to figure it all out and I was wearing thin. Then I was reminded to Abide. Delight. and Dwell. A breath of fresh air those words were!    During this break, I was also gifted the book It's not Supposed to be this way  by Lysa Terkeurst. I finished it in two days (thank you audio book!). It gave me some great tips and things to think about but I felt like there was more that I could learn. I then came upon another book by Lysa called Uninvited . I thought, "Ah yes, 'how to live loved through facing rejection, hurt, and loneliness', yep!...

     I once saw a post by Jon Acuff that said "“Your 20s are lonelier than you expect. They’re glamorized in culture as the time of your life. The truth is, when you leave college, you leave the tightest, largest concentration of people your age. You must fight for community. Seek it out. Be brave. Be deliberate.  #GradAdvice ” -Jon Acuff     Something has never rang truer in my mind. Post college life is Topsy turvey, even if you go directly into your field of study. Where you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to be doing aren't exactly clear cut. In fact, they are as clear as mud. Life after college is tough. You do leave that tight knit community and you leave that semi set in place schedule. You leave that last bit of full structure and you are whisked into the world. How you go about this time of life is what makes it or breaks it.     When I graduated college, I had a plan and it was a good one. I would try to...

   Have you ever felt the weight of someone's unforgiveness towards you? Have you ever felt the weight of your own unforgiveness towards someone else? Yesterday, our sermon was titled "Forgiveness Over Resentment" and it was so well done. I will include a link to it at the end of this post but I wanted to write on it a little bit. What is a time in your life where you needed to forgive someone and it took everything in you to do it? Or maybe the reverse happened. When was a time that you wronged someone and desperately needed their forgiveness? What did either of those times look like?   I believe there are 4 versions/options/levels/what have you of forgiveness.    Forgiveness by definition is: " to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)" (Websters) It is the ceasing of feeling resentment towards someone. Ceasing resentment, forgiveness, not making them pay for what they have done any more. Sometimes forgiveness happens quickly and sometimes, it ta...

            10 Tips for handling a blindsided break up with as much Grace as possible... Pt. 2 11. Get Plugged in . Find friends, whether they are new or old, and invest. We were created for relationships/community and without it, we are cutting ourselves off from a life source. Jump in with two feet and don't look back. Find a good community with people that are safe and will lift you up. Don't be afraid to open up to them and let them in. Let them help you keep your heart from hardening. 12. Do NOT compare . Don't look at a picture of the person or hear how they are doing and compare where you think they are (or where they really are) to where you are, good or bad. Comparison destroys. You are working on you now. You are growing and working on changing the yucky things in your own life around and the Lord is going to work on you in his timing. And he is going to work on their life in his timing as well. Do not compare your process because it is solely...

    Before jumping in, hear me when I say that I do not believe I have the 100% right answers to any of this but I do think the things I have to say will be able to help even a tiny bit. I hope what you're about to read gives you a glimpse of hope, a drop of affirmation, and feels like a caring hug that says "keep going, you're doing wonderfully".      10 Tips for dealing with a blindsided break up with as much grace as possible 1. Deal with it . Allow yourself to deal with it. Process it and all of it. Cry, yell, sleep, grieve, cry some more, question, feel every single emotion to it's fullest extent and get it all out there. It's 100000% okay to not be okay. Eat the ice cream and cry yourself to sleep for a little while. 2. (But not by much) Seek the Lord . Turn all of that emotion to him (He already knows it). Repeat the process but seek him in it this time. Say your cuss words and your rawest feelings, he can take them. Let your wounded heart be held...

Valentine's day. A beloved holiday by some and a dreaded holiday by others. One full of pink and red and flowers and chocolate and hearts and dates and romance and love.. one full of love.     My intentions with this post aren't to just make it another "well Jesus loves you" post but to be real and honest and to also encourage and speak truth. A lot of people have a tough time during the holidays, especially ones that revolve around being with people and loved ones and relationships and that's okay.    Have you ever been told you were enough by someone and then they changed their mind? Have you been told "I love you" by a friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend and then it crashed and burned? You're left feeling broken and wondering why you weren't enough for them. these are real feelings and real thoughts that not only women fight through but I have no doubt that men do too. Valentine's day is a tough day for many because of the brokenness of thi...

     Do you ever just reach the point where faith feels exhausting to have? Where you know deep down that God has a better plan but it's hard to admit it verbally or mentally? Well that's about the point where this post begins. Hear me say this, I definitely know that the Lord has a a wonderful and masterful plan for my life and I am also just tired right now. Let's strap in for the story shall we.      So, I had been dating a guy, long distance, and had been asking the Lord to get me back up to Chicago so we could kick long distance in the butt. Finally, around October, He opened up an apartment for me that seemed too good to be true- I was stoked. The dreams were coming true. Then I went to check out the apartment in November and all was perfect. Being on the south side...meeehhh, not so perfect, but a safe neighborhood so it was good enough. One week later, the thing you never really want to happen, happened: a break up. God shut the door for that r...