2019 Reflection

     I'm doing my 2019 reflection here in November because a year ago is really when my world changed forever. Over the next few minutes, I'm going to go through a list of the top 7 things I learned/experienced in 2019 and I hope that they're an encouragement, a challenge, and a lens into my life over the past year. It's been quite the year and the Lord has faithfully challenged and grown me and though some of the circumstances haven't been great, the changes have been. So here we go.

1. Heartache. 2019 started out very sad and tumultuous. There was so much going on inside of me. There was anger and hurt and sadness and no sense of belonging. My first love and I had broken up a couple months prior to the new year and there was zero communication (obviously) and a lot of heartache/questions. Not only was my heart broken but I was trying to move back up to Chicago, because that's where I felt the Lord was still calling me to be. Nothing was working out though job wise and slowly he shut every single door to be back up there so staying back home was my only option. In February, the Lord intervened, and I got to have a "closure" type conversation with my ex and though it should have ended really well, it eventually didn't and that was that. I felt in that moment, the break up was real and that relationship was going to be broken forever. 

   The beginning of my year was a lot of heartache.

2. Connection. Shortly after I was settled in my heart and mind about being back home, I jumped into being plugged in at a church. I started attending service by myself. I would go, sit in the back, and leave during the worship set at the end of service to beat the traffic. A sense of belonging was forming but no community had been found yet. I saw that this church had a recreation ministry and so I shot out an email asking if there were any volunteer opportunities because I was a recent Moody Grad with a B.A. in sports ministry and was looking. I also sent out emails to see how I could serve and be apart of a small group. I was bold to step out of my comfort zone to step into something I needed, but didn't know I needed yet. All 3 responded and shortly I was beginning an internship at the church, serving in the nursery, and was connected to a small group full of young 20's-30 year old women. 

      Things were looking up and healing was coming.

3. Community. In a very short amount of time, I learned what true community was. I had been missing it for many years and I didn't understand the necessity of it (which I think played a huge role in some of my relationship issues a few months before). The women in my small group were genuine and kind and one in particular took me under her wing and invited me to all sorts of things. Through being intentional, I was connected to the young professionals group at church and met other wonderful people who loved on me and listened to me and wanted me to be apart of their lives. Now I am leading a small group of 20's-young 30's women on Wednesday nights and the young professionals group at church.                           

    This was community like I had never had before and holy cow; it was imperative.

 

4. Being myself again. The Lord began to show me who He had created me to be again. He has created me with a heart for others and with leadership abilities. He's created me with humor and kindness and passion. Throughout college, I lost so much of who I was and in my relationship, though I didn't think I had lost myself, I had to a degree. He brought me to the end of myself and thank goodness! He opened up my heart again to love others and care for their needs. He opened my heart up again to serve and lead and be unashamedly myself. A compassion and passion for ministry and his word and those in and outside the body. Since my sophomore year of college, I had really only cared about a few people and what was going on in their lives but I didn't have the capacity to care for more than that. 

    He's softened my heart again.

5. Flexibility. Growing up, I was always very prompt. I had to be places 15-20 minutes early and it had to go exactly as planned. I wasn't very flexible with my schedule or with others schedules. If you said it was going to be this time and place then it was going to be that time and that place. Granted, there is still a courtesy factor but I have loosened up a bit. He has also taught me that even when things don't go as I had planned, that's okay. There's a reason for everything and though I may not know those reasons of a "messed up" plan (in my finite humanity), He's got it and I can relax and trust him. He's also given me a bit more of a spontaneous spirit. Now, I'm not getting too crazy but I did meet up with a friend for coffee a few months ago and we ended up in Chattanooga for an event that evening. Baby steps.

     I didn't fully learn this until the past few months of being back home.

6. Moving back home was a blessing. This next one may feel out of order but the lesson I learned didn't come until recently. I have always been fairly independent. I moved 8.5 hours away for college, I've been out of the country a few times, including 2 of 4 spring breaks in college. I have no problem with going where the Lord has called me to go. So, moving home WAS NOT on my TO-DO list after graduating. I was supposed to move back up to Chicago, be the Sports ministry director at a mega church, have a pretty cool roommate, and eventually get married. That's what the plan was. My plan didn't go exactly as I had hoped and I ended up watching my ceiling fan circulate in my room in my parents' house for 2 months as I was unemployed and unsure of the next steps. Little did I know that moving back home and experiencing all that I have would be the absolute best thing that could have happened to me. Because if I had moved (especially up to Chi) I would not have healed in so many different areas like I have since being back in ole middle TN. 

    I'm thankful that my plans are not the best plans.

7. Saying Yes. Now we're getting to the end of this year, both calendar wise and in this blog post, and I look back and am so thankful for the roller coaster ride it's been. The other day, I was running on a treadmill at the gym and I just felt the Lord say "are you ready to go where I ask you to go?" And in my mind I was like "yyeeesss...?". Of course my answer is yes but I'm so settled where I am at right now that it was a little eye-opening to know that this is not necessarily where I will always be. I have a great church, community, and job(s) where I'm getting experience in the sports world. I have a routine and leadership opportunities and I'm near my family (who I've grown to appreciate and love SO much more than I did growing up). Things are steady. Things are good. But if I've learned one thing in the midst of everything, it's to always put my "yes" out on the table for the Lord to use because he will always sustain. So, yes Lord, I am fully yours and will go where and when you ask. 

    My counselor said the other day, "maybe He brought you back home to heal and grow and now that's finished and he's preparing you to go back out." And I think about that all the time.