The Broken Cycle: A softened heart.
For the majority of my life, I have been the friend that was always there. I've given so much of myself to other friendships, almost too much of myself sometimes. I would have a good friend (who I thought might be my best friend) for about 6 months and then the friendship would slowly burn out like the flame of a candle. I would be left hurting and broken hearted, wondering what happened or what I had done wrong for that friendship to be over or just not as strong anymore. After some time though, the Lord would heal my heart and I would get right back into the cycle. I would love as hard as I could and be there and then boom. It would happen again. I think I can count like 7 or 8 people that this cycle happened with. It hurt. I just wanted someone who understood me and was always going to be there. It didn't make sense. But it also didn't make sense as to why the Lord continued to re-strengthen my heart to do it all over again.
One day I finally snapped. I remember laying on the floor of my bible study room, my first summer as a staffer at camp, bawling my eyes out. The church group I had hosted the past week had kids and adults I had just fallen in love with. I remember hearing one camper's story and seeing how she was kind of a "mini me" and hearing the Lord say "Pour into her as much as you can this week." So I did and little did I know that the end of the week, the impact of them going home would change my heart for a few years to come.
Sophomore year started after that summer and I went into my R.A.'s room and explained how I just felt stuck or numb. I explained that my heart felt hard and that I didn't really care to have emotions or love others well. I felt like I didn't know how anymore. My heart had taken it's final beating from the cyclical pain of giving all I had and it not being returned/unable to be returned. The cycles had continued into college and the pain of some of them were too great to bear.
I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. Was doing anything wrong at all? Why didn't people want to stay in my life? Why wasn't my friendship or love being reciprocated to the degree I was giving it?
Slowly but surely, the Lord began to work in me. By junior year I had met some people, specifically my best friend, who came into my life and didn't plan on leaving and that began to penetrate my hardened heart. My broken and hurting and hardened heart. There was still struggle but it wasn't as great.
He continued to move into my life and close to the end of senior year, after I felt more settled, softened, and content, the Lord brought the love of relationship into my life. I had no clue what I was doing and to learn to love someone, in that way, with a heart that was struggling to love the person it was inside... it was going to take some time. But through that relationship, the Lord restored the hurting and hardened heart and softened it once again. Learning to love someone else sacrificially should change you and it changed me.
The cycle has been broken and that once hurting and probably a little "too much" girl has grown. The Lord continued to soften my heart, even after my relationship ended by putting people in my life to lift me out of the darkness and into the light. I wanted to close myself off again and not allow love and joy in, but that's not me and that's not who the Lord has been cultivating me to be.
So I get to stand before everyone today, confident, softened, and ready to serve those around me without expectation of anything in return. Knowing that I don't have to be perfect, knowing that I am loved for who I am and not what I have to offer, and knowing the work Christ has done in me and that he is my Sustainer forever.
One day I finally snapped. I remember laying on the floor of my bible study room, my first summer as a staffer at camp, bawling my eyes out. The church group I had hosted the past week had kids and adults I had just fallen in love with. I remember hearing one camper's story and seeing how she was kind of a "mini me" and hearing the Lord say "Pour into her as much as you can this week." So I did and little did I know that the end of the week, the impact of them going home would change my heart for a few years to come.
Sophomore year started after that summer and I went into my R.A.'s room and explained how I just felt stuck or numb. I explained that my heart felt hard and that I didn't really care to have emotions or love others well. I felt like I didn't know how anymore. My heart had taken it's final beating from the cyclical pain of giving all I had and it not being returned/unable to be returned. The cycles had continued into college and the pain of some of them were too great to bear.
I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. Was doing anything wrong at all? Why didn't people want to stay in my life? Why wasn't my friendship or love being reciprocated to the degree I was giving it?
Slowly but surely, the Lord began to work in me. By junior year I had met some people, specifically my best friend, who came into my life and didn't plan on leaving and that began to penetrate my hardened heart. My broken and hurting and hardened heart. There was still struggle but it wasn't as great.
He continued to move into my life and close to the end of senior year, after I felt more settled, softened, and content, the Lord brought the love of relationship into my life. I had no clue what I was doing and to learn to love someone, in that way, with a heart that was struggling to love the person it was inside... it was going to take some time. But through that relationship, the Lord restored the hurting and hardened heart and softened it once again. Learning to love someone else sacrificially should change you and it changed me.
The cycle has been broken and that once hurting and probably a little "too much" girl has grown. The Lord continued to soften my heart, even after my relationship ended by putting people in my life to lift me out of the darkness and into the light. I wanted to close myself off again and not allow love and joy in, but that's not me and that's not who the Lord has been cultivating me to be.
So I get to stand before everyone today, confident, softened, and ready to serve those around me without expectation of anything in return. Knowing that I don't have to be perfect, knowing that I am loved for who I am and not what I have to offer, and knowing the work Christ has done in me and that he is my Sustainer forever.
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