Living in the Fullness of Wholeness

     We have all gone through traumatic experiences in our lives. I'm sure there are one to two that flitted across your mind as you finished that first sentence. Some of them we have completely healed from and are living in the freedom that comes with getting to the other side. Other situations feel like a marathon that's nearing its end. Though the finish line of freedom is in sight and we have hit our stride, there are still instances where our legs feel like giving out. These are the instances where something hits us that we haven't yet dealt with and reminds us that we haven't fully made it yet. There is frustration and hurt in these moments but there's also beauty in knowing that one more thing to heal from is one step closer to living in the fullness of wholeness.
     My full healing marathon hit me the other day when I said something to a friend that was received very differently than how I intended. I always try to be careful with my thoughts and words and thought I was this time too but the words I said hurt my friend. Of course, I felt terribly and then it hit me: I haven't had a conflict with any new friends yet and I didn't know how to handle it. The last conflicts I had with someone, they held my shortcomings against me and used them against me and then left... and that took a toll on me.
    So when this conflict arose, and it was at my hand, I did not know what to do. In that moment, I felt so broken because I was afraid. I was afraid that because I didn't have a deep enough relationship with this person they would just hold it against me and keep a record of my wrongs. Now that isn't who my friend is at all but that particular hurt, unknowingly, ran so deep within me that I just wanted to run and hide. I always want to deal with conflict but I figured out right then that I hadn't healed from that aspect of past wounds.
     What do you do when your shortcomings in the past have been taken by people you love and been held against you? How do you combat the idea of being perfect so there's not conflict versus living an authentic life where you trust that people truly do forgive and move on? These are questions I am wrestling with but I am thankful they have come up because that means the Lord is continuing to work within me. There is freedom on the other side but we have to be willing to deal with the hard things that come up along the way. I have to be willing to deal with the hard things along the way.

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