Ash & Evergreens

     Today, I finally finished "Kisses from Katie." It's taken me almost a year to get though, but I did it. I loved the book every step of the way and it has taught me a lot. And every time I read it, it spoke to that moment in my life. I can't help but think that is God at work. His timing.      I've been having some struggles with a friend recently. I've listened to all her drama and cared and given two cents when necessary. However, now i'm being treated as if I'm a weirdo alien person. ha.      This was what I was hoping against this time. 7. 7 other people this has happened with. God calls me to care for and love on them through their struggle and just when we become close friends, the friendship falls apart. It's super weird and it hurts like CRAZY. I don't understand it. At all. The care and love I so sincerely need the most isn't given to me, I only can give it. Why God? Why does this happen to me? For years I have p...

     Let me just tell ya, last week was insane. It ranged every where from going to fall retreat, having an 11 hour bus ride to VA for a leadership conference, liking a freshman boy (LOL), and one of my best friends running away.      Let's begin with fall retreat. It was really really REALLY good! Great and deep discussions with my small group girls for 2 1/2 hours. Great worship and speaker, Gary. Paintball was tons of fun. Definitely a learning weekend in growing in my faith in God.      Left fall retreat early and went to VA. the next morning, early. With my whole high school (minus a couple people). It was a lot of fun, but the speaker was not the best. And after hearing Gary at fall retreat, Luke, at the conf. was that much worse. Poor guy. Definitely missed North Carolina this year, but eh. Still love being with my highschool family. No big deal on the way there, but on the way home, feelings changed. Monday night, it ...

       My Small group has started reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and it is extremely challenging and satisfying at the same time. One of the most recent things I read from it (though it was playing catch up from last week), was about 2 people who had died, but lived out their lives for Christ. One was a middle-aged man who was speaking at a funeral and died right after sharing the gospel with the crowd. The other was a 14 year old girl who wanted her life to be a representation of Christ's love since she was 12.      As I read this, I thought to the day I die. I've thought to this before, and No, I'm not a depressed or morbit person at all, but eveyone thinks about that day. I often ask the questions: How many people would be there? Will there be lots of crying? Will my wishes be carried out?  What will people say? How will I be remembered? As I ask these question I can only think of one thing I'd want to stand out above the rest...

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch, like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see." Many people have hear this song. Maybe even several times. I've even heard this song, many many times. But, last night when I was listening to my Sidewalk Prophets pandora station, Chris Tomlin's beautiful rendition of it came on and this spirit of awe and freedom welled up inside of me. I just felt like I could worship God forever and just wanted to keep listening to what all of these christian artists had to sing.      My excitement last night was beyond words because I had a rekindled fire for my Savior and was unashamed. Sometimes in life, we shut down. We feel burned out or we just don't have enough time to spend time with God or in His word. Christians in society today are becoming lethargic. There are hardly any people willing to share their faith and the ones who are are in other countries.       Yesterda...

     I don't know what it is. But like in everyone's life, things arent perfect by far. Mistakes are made, wounds are opened, struggles actually are real, communication is limited, different worldviews and cultures collide, hearts feel shattered.      I cannot express to you why my heart feels these things. Life is different this year. We have an exhcange student with us this year and she's a good kid with a good heart. But I thought we'd be more alike and I appreciate she's a kind German and that she's her own person, but it isn't what I expected. Somedays we're good and some days I just want to shut her and many others out. It's difficult to see that this is a training field for something bigger one day. And I don't want to seem heretical when this little German is witnessing true christianity and christians for the first time.      I am not always happy...in fact, I am rarely happy. My life is changing and I have a hard ti...

I'm taking a class called rhetoric and it's all about public speaking. Our most recent assignment was to each pick a topic and speak 3-5 minutes about it.      My topic is missions. And I'm very passionate about missions and mission work. However, each time I rehearse my speech, my heart gets fuller, but my spirit gets sadder as I realize with each word, I miss my Haitians and Haiti all the more. I know the Lord will speak His words through me tomorrow when I present. And I hope it communicates well, is humbling, and stirs something inside my classmates.      I miss Haiti a whole lot and my Haitians even more. But God taught me last time not to make them an idol in my life. Because, though I may not realize/have realized it, they had become one. I. Am ready and thought I miss them dearly, the work of spreading the kingdom has just begun. For His Glory.

I love my friends and teammates dearly, but some things just aren't clicking. Our coach would like us to be really good and reach our potential, but that just can't seem to happen. This year, our coach decided that making two of our three seniors captains would be a wise idea. I'm not saying it was or wasn't. However, I am saying that in the best interest of our team... They should not be captains (or at least one) a captain of a team is someone who does there work 100% if not 110%. They're the ones to lead but still have fun. Know responsibility but still unify. Work hard and still learn and teach.      Our captains give maybe 20%. Goof around in practice (not that hysterical laughing is bad, it's not).... But not every day. Do 5 out of 20 burpees we're supposed to do. Or run 5 or 6 of 10 laps... And if you're late you have to run a lap for very minute you're late... However, that didn't happen today either. Discipline and responsibility are tw...

The past two weeks have both been exciting, heart changing, tiresome, and character testing. In good ways and in trial-ing ways.      Two weeks ago, today, I left for Haiti. It was my second trip and I was so excited to go. I miss it so dearly already. I miss my boys, the people, the worship at the haitian church, the haitian time and no schedule, the smells, the heat, the love. It's by far one of my favorite places ever. I usually say, my body is here...but my heart is there. Going to a 3rd world country really does something to someone's heart. Last year, I got my first experience and lemme tell ya I had dreams about haiti fro at LEAST 2 months after I'd left. Last year, God broke me down a few days before I left. Which was much needed. However, this year...He didn't. My heart was prepared to see my boys again..but not to do the work I was called to do in Haiti. So, with disappointment hitting me my second day there...it was time to be broken down again. So, God ...

When the Lord says "go," one would be foolish to ignore or say no to His call. You may end up in the belly of a whale like Jonah or be provided a ram for your son sacrifice like Abraham. Sure, those may be two extremes but it's the same idea. You either ignore and end up in a bad way or listen and get blessed. Recently, there have been two people in my life who are beginning new chapters. One, our senior, drew miller and two, our children's minister: Danielle Bell. Drew is starting college and beginning the adult part of his life. Good luck, Drew, we'll miss you! Danielle is moving to Birmingham. What?! Was my first reaction and tears. As the couple of weeks since finding out have gone by, I've begun to assimilate my thoughts some. Danielle is like Abraham. She is listening to the Lord's call and even though she's unsure at times and sometimes sorrowful... She listened. Now, just like God provided a lamb for Abraham in place of Isaac....

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future. Can I just say that I am super excited about this summer?! Not only am I going back to Haiti, my pride and joy, but the day after I get back, I leave to go to centriKid to shadow a staffer there for a whole week. When I attended church camps, my favorite was this one called "crosspoint" at Campbellsville university in KY. 6th grade was the last year we could attend and we got certificates from miss Danielle (our children's minister). Each of them pointing out a special quality in each kid. Mine said, Holland(nickname)- future Fuge staffer. These leaders at the camps are crazy and awesome and I still talk to a couple of mine to this day. I cannot wait to see how everything it done the "behind the scenes" ahhhh. So PUMPED. Now, just praying that God gives me the strength to go from a full week of love, sweat, and 3rd world.. To another big week of late nights, worship, and lo...

India netherland, When coach jones brought you to help coach the team. My immediate thoughts were. Man, she's quiet, idt she likes me too much. Oh dang, she's freakin pretty, uh oh coach jones ;) lol, and she seems like she'd be cool to know. Well, I don't know you too too well now, but enough for now. Yeah, you're super pretty, but I think that if we were in like middle school or high school together, we woulda been good friends. Thank you for encouraging me and being my inspiration to get back on track with eating healthy and getting fit. It's really what I needed. I really hope you can come back to help coach. Whenever you couldn't come this past season we'd all be disappointed ha. So don't you worry about not being liked. I hope now imma youngin, but I understand a lot. And I'm gonna keep telling you that you can do it and encourage you too. You are someone I hope to be like when I get older. You're like super wealthy, ...

If you search for tenderness it isn't hard to find. You can have the love you need to live. But if you look for truthfulness You might just as well be blind. It always seems to be so hard to give. Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you. I can always find someone to say they sympathize. If I wear my heart out on my sleeve. But I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies. All I want is someone to believe. Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you. I can find a lover. I can find a friend. I can have security until the bitter end. Anyone can comfort me with promises again. I know, I know. When I'm deep inside of me don't be too concerned. I won't as for nothin' while I'm gone. But when I want sincerity tell me where else can I turn. Because you're the one I depend u...

I don't know how to put "give me a chance" into paragraphs, but it simply means what it says. If people would give me a chance they'd see I'm probably truer than half their friends. Even those known the longest. I take pride in the people God brings/puts into my life. All of em. If not at the same time, at one point in time. Lord, I know Your time is perfect. And I am patiently waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I know not every one is the same. Your humbe and faithful Servant,

Our AO Haiti team got back this evening and choppy told me that she gave my pictures and letter to Wilma and his face automatically lit up and the he called Iglesias over to look too. Soon they had a group of kids looking at the pics. Ahh. And then they got a video of my boys saying hello to me. I cannot wait to see it! Hearing that brought tears of complete joy to my eyes! I am so glad they remembered me:) melts my heart and I can't wait to get back there! Mmm. I miss them. Thank you for protecting them.. And everyone else in this time we've been gone. And thank you for bringing our team back safely! I can't wait to spend hours looking through pictures and videos. Sigh:) They remembered me:) they remembered.. Thanks!:)

When I feel as if nothing is going right at all, when friends fail me, and it's hard to stand tall... I cry out to Jesus and He knows what to do. When I don't get the play right in a sport, or my parents see I did bad in a subject on my report... When the news can only tell of the bad and when sometimes its so hard to be glad.. I cry out to Jesus and He knows how to answer. When my brother annoys me just when I look at him and I don't know why. It could be because we don't at all see eye to eye, or when I'm overwhelmed with school work and have an attitude like a jerk.. I cry out to Jesus and He hears my plea. When I'm exercising and eating healthy and the weight just doesn't seem to want to fall off, or I feel like I'm sick even if it's just a cough. Maybe when I put in so much to others and don't get in thing back.. Why? What do I lack? I cry out to Jesus and He will be there When I'm hurting and no one sees it. When...

Its truly amazing how one day someone can be here and the next day they're gone. Amazing. Dad came in to wake me up for church this morning, but I fell back asleep due to exhaustion from the exciting championship games last night. I then was woken up by my phone buzzing against my side table. One= a text. Multiple= a call. It was a call from one of my best friends from middle school, erynne. Random. So, I picked up, not really expecting what I was told. She informed me that one of our old pca friends/classmates had passed away last night. Taylor brewer. I didn't know what emotion to feel. Disbelief, awe, dumbfounded. The boy was only 16. After I hung up with her, I proceeded to call as many people as I thought didn't know, from my 5th grade class.. Most had already heard the news. Oh my goodness, we are all so sad. So, after checking on each other, the posts began. Pictures and statuses and tweets. But it didn't spread like a public school's might ha...

One: I've been selected to go back to Haiti and I'm soooooo excited. I'm coming hack; heat, smells, and dust. I'm coming back; rags, poverty, and disease. I'm coming back; no schedule, roosters, and sunrise/sunsets. I'm coming back; blue skies, beautiful terrain, and thunderstorms. I'm coming back; bugs, dirty water, and vendors. In coming back; hugs, smiles, language barrier. I'm coming back; Haitians, my boys, the children. I'm coming back; home. Two: I'm not one to think of myself in a very haughty way. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, honestly. But I'm having a mental lapse and a tough time realizing that there's another legitimate basketball player on the court with me. She gives me good competition.. But it's getting to my head and messing up my game. Yes, she's passed me in amount of points in one game already this season and she's in 8th grade. She's played AAU. And that helped a lot. But, ...

I left my heart in Haiti. When I went last summer. And I definitely wouldn't mind going back to Nicaragua. I know that I have a great life here and I have a lot of things and people going for me. I have a pretty strong relationship with my Savior, a great family, make good grades, play multiple different sports, good youth group, and awesome friends. But there's just something missing. Now, I don't go throughout the day in a slum or thinking about it constantly. But that missing thing continually crosses my mind. You know how we go to camps and get totally on fire for God and our falling world and we stay that way for like a week or two after? I'm guilty of that. And then it just ends and we go back to living the way we did before. No second thought really. Well, this time it's different. It's been 6 months since Haiti and I'm still on fire. My relationships are stronger, I have a different view on life, and God has my complete life in His ...

Who would have thought that as soon as I got back from an awesome mission trip to Nicaragua, life would hit some big bumps in the road. Yesterday afternoon (Wednesday) my mom informed me that Tuesday was full of tragedy. SOMEWHERE mutual friend of ours' husband took his own life Monday night. The weird part is, he was supposed to be with us on our trip to Nicaragua, but pulled out last minute. He's a local doctor here in town. So, that was hard to take. And then, my aunt and uncle's old neighbors (before my a&u moved) are really close family friends. We always had the best parties when we'd visit. Cause they had the pool and my aunt and uncle had the food and decked out garage. Well, come to find out, Margaret, the wife, hydroplaned Tuesday and got hit by a truck. And now she's no longer with us. Extremely sad day. Well, today, I was eating an afternoon snack at home and my mom tells me of all that's going on with Micah. Micah can be frustrating...

    Once you meet someone, they are in your life forever, whether you see them all the time or not. That can go a lot of ways, but in this particular instance, it goes to my boys in Haiti; Wilma and Iglesias. :) Mwe Amo Ou.      I can remember that as the week went on, it got harder and harder to go inside the compound...even to eat dinner. We were supposed to have Siestas (naps/rest time) every day to gice us the energy we needed. But by Wednesday, and definitely Thursday, we were literally not tasting our food or making PB&J's (something quick) so we could get back outside before it was time to move on to do something else, or come in for the evening.      Our leaders, some days, had to literally force us inside. I didn't feel drained at all, the kids and people and God were giving me the energy I needed. I remember that, on Wednesday, it was a forced Siesta time, so I tried to rest and be still. I hung out wi...

Well, I don't exactly know what all I want this post to say. I guess it'd be what I'm going for this year.      I don't want to call them resolutions...but new ways to think about/approach/live/go through life. First are the little things: Put my clean clothes awat right away, keeping my room clean, work harder on my sports games (esp. bball) etc. Second are the little bit bigger things: Listening to more christian music than secular, Diving more into scripture and really understanding it, making sure I have no late assignments (not being lazy), keep strong friendships, etc Third are the things that might have most impact: Really start to understand my relationship with God and His purpose for my life, Really learning to listen and encourage day to day with ease, be kind and have patience with those who will push my last button, try to understand my brother better and form a better relationship with him, work on my ability to articulate better (my brain thin...