Sometimes the Light goes out

 I hadn't known depression before like I came to know it in 2022. It was an unwelcome foe that motioned me in its direction and stayed with me often like a faint shadow. Each year for the past decade, there have always been one or two days that I would call my "dark days" and then after they were over, the rest of my year was usually just fine. This past year though, I met it in a new way. There were so many great memories and moments in 2022, but they were regularly shrouded under a vail of grey, black, and white. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed and didn't want to put my best effort into things. I stayed as close to my routine as I could because that was safe... that was comfortable. 

I didn't want to read my Bible, I didn't want to regularly journal, I wanted to talk to the Lord (and did) but it didn't hold the same depth and joy that it had in days past. I didn't know what to call it, I just knew something wasn't right, I didn't feel like myself. I felt like a shell of the person I was. I was present, but going through the motions for many of the days. In the moment, I don't know if I would have called it depression, but now on the horizon of 2023, I look over my shoulder and know that's what it was. 

There were a few who saw me and lived life with me as I struggled through a lot of days. I even went to the dr. and had my blood drawn to make sure that all my hormones were firing okay. My bloodwork came back, "It looks really good!" is what she said, but still I knew something wasn't right with my head. I yearned with the Lord and pleaded and prayed. I asked him to search me and break me if there were things within me that I needed to lay at his feet. But at the end of the day, I began a low dosage of depression medicine that began to help me self-regulate better. For the first few days, I felt like my body and mind were a soft cloud, just floating through the air, impenetrable by any emotions whatsoever. That was short-lived, but nice! After that, it just became a part of my daily routine to help me find some normal ground for a season.

2023 is here now and I feel like a new woman... or maybe just who I am. There will still be difficult days ahead, I'm sure. We all go through them as humans. I feel good and "balanced" in my days, relationships, emotions, and job(s). I feel encouraged in my schoolwork and I am back into journaling and being in the Word regularly. I am more vivacious and alive and confident again, ready to take on a new day each day I have breath. There are some hard/dark seasons in people's lives that are real. I'm grateful for those that prayed and walked with me. And I'm grateful for a Savior who sees me all days. A wonderful thing about Jesus is that as much as He is a mighty King, he is also a safe, close, and gentle friend. 


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