Just Show up and Listen: Tools for the Suffering



Have you wondered how to care and love better when people are suffering? Hopefully the post below will give you some helpful tools to do so. What I have to say below is not perfect but hopefully beneficial. 

 Suffering. A word that is living and breathing and is often times uncomfortable because it means that there is brokenness and emotions... dare I say... feelings. Emotions and feelings are often things that have been deemed bad or things to be hidden because they bring shame or dishonor or "show" weakness. But can I tell you something, emotions and feelings aren't bad things. We do need to know the time and place for them and they need redeemed just like anything else but they aren't bad. We don't need to shy away from them or call people crazy for having them. If you are human, you emote. If you don't, you might want to check your pulse.

   Suffering is a part of life. Cancer. Miscarriages. Loss of a loved one. Job loss. Abuse. Words that bring death. Physical limitations. Accidents. Life altering changes. Sickness. There are so many things you could list. Yet they all lend themselves to the same issue - the issue of suffering. We know that suffering is going to happen - Christ suffered and He had to endure all things so He could also redeem all things- suffering had to be one of those things.

    I asked a question on my social media platforms yesterday and got some really awesome and insightful feedback from people. The answers were vulnerable and raw and I asked them because I was curious to see if there was going to be a similar theme at all. And there was. Our personalities and experiences definitely play a role in how we suffer and what we need in suffering but that doesn't change what the majority cried out for when they were in those times. 

The questions were: When you have been in a time of suffering (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally) What were things people did/said that helped? What didn't?

  Below are the two most commonly shared responses of the 30+ people who opened up: And then I broke them down a little further.

1. Show Up. Just show up, that's it. We often don't know what this means because it can be awkward or uncomfortable but that's what people said they wanted. In suffering, people often just want others who love them to show up- whether that's just to sit and be (another foreign concept) or invite them out or hold them tight or nap or watch tv or play a game or have a meal. Just showing up is literally Showing Up. Being present. It's not complicated yet we try and make it complicated. They may not know what they need in a given moment but more than likely, they just need presence.

2. Listen and Validate. This was the other thing that was constantly voiced. I didn't poll a bunch of people who are like-minded. I put it out there for anyone to respond to and they did. When people suffer, they often don't want someone to come in with all the answers and try to fix the situation. It's easy to do that because it's more comfortable to try to be the hero and offer the keys to an issue. When someone is suffering, they are in some sort of pain. That person is facing intense emotions and having a safe place to express those will do a lot more beneficial than being told "It'll pass. Everything will be okay. Have you tried this? Well at least they aren't in pain anymore. Well where might you have played a part? Oh yes, I have been through the same thing *hasn't*." Sometimes you just need to show up, listen, and say "that sucks and I am so sorry".

   At the end of the day, we want to point the sufferer back towards Christ, especially if that person has a relationship with Him because He is the ultimate Counselor and Healer and Comforter and Friend. He sees all and can heal all but community plays a role in being the hands and feet of Him, and in this situation..in order to love those who are hurting.

    Think of a time you endured suffering. What helped? What didn't? Where have you failed and where can you be better? I'm going to go ahead and say that telling anyone that they should be over their suffering is a no-go. - who are we to tell someone else when they should be done and through their hurt? What if rather, we come alongside the parent who just lost their child, the person who was healthy one day and crippled the next, the spouse left in a heap of ashes because the other bailed, the person going into their 3rd round of chemo, the kid getting picked on at school?

  There is hope. There is a way to love the suffering well.

    Some other things that were offered were:

- To ask "do you need me to listen or respond in this situation?"

- Give me a hug or help me do tasks, whether big or small, that seem overwhelming to me

- Follow up. Don't forget about me in my suffering

- Be ready to be selfless and to listen with humility and gentleness

- Ask intentional questions if there is room for question asking

- Speak truth over my situation. Not a "Jesus bandaid" but deep scriptural truth


Show up and Listen. 


 

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