Authentic Self - Learn a little about Me.

 I put a post up on facebook the other day that expressed my faults, the reality of sin, and some of my short-comings. It wasn't to be puffed up or to get pity but rather be raw and real. You see, I've been in a place lately where I have been trying to figure myself out again. I have this thing where I can get lost in other people's lives and forget to totally be my Authentic Self. It starts from a good and "wanting to be helpful" place and then plummets. I don't play the comparison game with people as much as I just over-bearingly care about them to the point where I don't even remember what truly brings me joy, who I have been created to be, and I just feel like I am in quicksand waist deep; sinking sinking slowly. The good part in all of this is that I learn a lot of lessons and then desire to implement the change and the "learned lessons" quickly and permanently. So I don't take those past short-comings into future relationships.

   Life is short. I don't have time to get lost in other people to the point of losing myself. I want to walk in confidence, joy, and freedom.

   So who is Alex May? I've changed over time. My woes aren't the same as when I was a kid or a teenager. I look back at some of my old notes or journal entries or facebook statuses and think "I was a mess". I mean, we laugh at those things now but we all change over time. And it takes time, but at my core, I remember who I have been created to be. 

   I love Jesus with every fiber of my being. I desire to put Him first in my life and I want my words and my actions to reflect that. I don't want anything to hinder my relationship with Him, be it the world, the spiral of progressive christianity, or people. I want to walk in the freedom that Christ offers and even skip sometimes. I love leading biblical studies and writing curriculum and teaching. I love that moment when the Holy Spirit is just giving you the words to say and the entire room is silent, taking in His words. I love worshipping and walking alongside others, pointing them back to Jesus. I want to be in full time ministry.

   I am okay in my season of singleness. Would I love a man? Absolutely. But I am not going to settle just because the culture I live in doesn't think someone can be single and worth their salt. I am not complete because of a man, I am complete because of Christ. I will wait for that guy He has for me (If He even has someone lined up) and I know that it's going to be okay because marriage isn't the end all be all. It is a wonderful and Holy gift but it's not worth it if it's with the wrong man who doesn't love Jesus and live like He does.

  I am an emotional person. I am learning constantly how to reign in some of those emotions and process which ones are valid and need to be handled & which ones just require food/coffee and a nap. I care deeply and big and I am working on boundaries that enhance my relationships and make them the healthiest they can possibly be. I fail and I say the wrong things but I want to make those wrongs right as soon as I possibly can and I forgive easily and quickly. I can't bear broken relationships if I can help it. 

    I cry when I watch sports movies because the story is so moving. The victories and come backs wreck me. I sob when I see videos of soldiers surprising their families/friends, grooms watching their to-be wives walking down the aisle, and baptisms. Especially Baptisms of kids who have made the decision to follow Jesus and go public with their faith. It chokes me up. 

   Abuse of any kind makes me righteously angry. Like, boiling over with seething rage. I don't have that kind of story, and praise the Lord I don't but when I hear what others have been through or read news about human trafficking or know of people who have been in abusive situations I just want to protect and wish I could help or change those situations because they break my heart. I am a protector. In a fight or flight situation, I am a fighter. I may shake internally and my heart will beat really fast but I will rise to the occasion. 

   I love to boogie. I will tear up any dance floor I am allowed on or invited to because it's fun. I think I can dance and if I saw a video of myself, I would probably think twice. But actually probably not because I love it. I love bumping to music in my car and driving with the windows rolled down and hitting notes and missing other notes because I only have a certain range. 

   I get impatient. I get annoyed. If I get extremely tired and irritable, just give me food and let me sleep. If I can't sleep then, drinking coffee and maybe a minute or two to be alone and just be quiet but loved the same works. I am 10000x better after those things happen. I love gifts and giving gifts and thoughtfulness. I LOVE THOUGHTFUL PEOPLE. People who take time out of their day to give a little effort, people who love despite inconvenience sometimes because relationships are going to have inconvenient moments. I haven't always done these things well but I expect these things of myself.

    I have failed many times. I have struggled with worth and self-confidence. I have been controlling and nit-picky and not flexible. I have heard (not listened) people talk but still thought my way was better than theirs and OFFERED MY OPINIONS where they weren't really welcomed or needed. I try to listen the best I can. I try to not speak out of turn and let people know they're heard. I don't always do that well but I try to be mindful.

    I could keep going. But I think you get the idea. I am figuring out my Authentic, made in the Image of God, self again. And I am going to continue to try and figure things out for the rest of my life because seasons change and things come up. But by golly, I feel like realizing and putting in the work is half the battle. Be who God created you to be and don't let anyone get in your way. Look at scripture, look at truth, figure out what creates that spark, what lights up your life, and live into it. I was told once that I had become a shadow of myself and that rocked my world. I don't want to be a shadow of myself - I just want to be... Me.

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