When the whole earth shakes.. I will praise Your name.


     Things haven't always been smooth in my relationship but it's been such a beautiful time of growth and learning to love someone deeply is no easy task. It takes time and effort and for me, it took a softening of the heart that I hadn't felt for a long time! But not everything is meant to be perfect all of the time and what seemed something that could be pushed through came crumbling down 5 days ago.
     My boyfriend of 8 months and 27 days broke up with me. There was a lot to it but basically it came down to long distance getting the best of us and him figuring out that maybe he wasn't quite as ready as he thought for such a committed relationship. Monday, the 19th the fateful words were swapped: "So, are you breaking up with me?" "....yes...". Tears instantly welled up in my eyes, no, they more like poured forth from the depths of my heart. My first ever relationship and it was done. This is the man I thought I was going to marry and have a future with. This is the man who I shared life with and grew to love dearly and deeply. My world was shaken.

     Now I am 5 days later and throughout the course of the past 5 days there have been many tears and questions. There have been a few sharing of what the red flags along the way could have been. But ultimately, I have been trying to trust in God's plans. I have been trying to praise him, knowing that he gives and he takes away. Right now, it's hard to let go. I have never been through a break up where it just ends and it feels like there's no closure. I have never been through a break up period. It would be easy to just cry and cry and think that there is no one else in the world and eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next month... but somehow that doesn't feel right. I am learning to trust the Comforter, the Sustainer, and the ultimate Protector of my heart.
     There are days of great grief and I am sure there will be more as my heart heals. But I know where my hope is found, even if it all sucks right now. I know where my joy is found, even if tears flow each time I tell a new close friend or family member about what happened. I know that he has a plan for my life, even when I cannot see or imagine what it's going to be. He could always bring us back together and restore what was broken, forever. But he could also have totally wonderful and different people planned for us and that is a bridge I will cross when I get to it BUT I am in the process of learning to let go if He doesn't lead us back to each other.
     So, Dear J,
Thank you for teaching me how to love fearlessly and relentlessly again. Thank you for showing me patience when I didn't deserve it or when I messed up. I am sorry for any wrongs that I did in our relationship and pray that you will grow and learn from them as much as I have. Thank you for pointing me towards Christ more often than not and caring for me in such a tender and gentle way. Goodbye isn't easy at all... in fact, it's the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. But we know his plans are greater. I don't want to let go, but here's to moving forward.
-A.

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